Whenever I'm done organizing a pile of STUFF, I'm usually left with a bunch of miscellaneous items. I have no idea how to organize a bunch of random things! I mean to be completely honest, the big pile of miscellaneous stuff is really just a bunch pens. We all end up with a bunch of pens at some point in our lives, whether its from the office, school, or ripped off one of those chains at a bank. Big piles of pens are part of life. Instead of trying to come up with a complicated system to store my pens or throw them away, I came up with several ways to re-purpose all of these pens! Tie a rubberband around them and use them as one giant penUse them as disposable coffee stirrersSell them on CraigslistBuild a "House of Pens"Create a makeshift home security systemLeave them on the doorstep of a loving family
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Craft beer is a booming business in the U.S. and all over the world right now. It may be overwhelming to decide what is best for you. Here are a few tips to help guide you through the world of craft beer. IPAIPAs are a hoppy and bitter beer perfect for those Friday evenings spent sitting alone at a restaurant because your Tinder date stood you up at the last minute. Putting back a couple of IPAs will help numb the embarrassment of eating dinner alone and might even give you the courage to talk to someone new. Or at least to engage in a nice conversation with your chicken francese. STOUTRoasted malts are what make stouts such a unique dark-style of beer. Stouts are the beer you can trust to catch a glimpse of your soul in the reflection of the dark liquid in your glass as you sit home alone on a Friday night. Stouts stand alone as a beer that reminds us everything is temporary and one day we all die to experience the infinite comfort of darkness. SAISONSaisons are a refreshing summer beer that are perfect for pounding while out at the club dancing the night away. As you shimmy through the room looking for your friends you see your Tinder date who stood you up, dancing with another person. Saisons will be there for you when you realize: “Dancing on My Own by Robyn isn’t just a lone dancer’s anthem; it’s my life right now.” Why is this beer so easy to drink? It’s a Saison. Why is everything strangely fine? You’ve had nine. IMPERIALImperial beers are great because they take the beer you’re most fond of and pretty much doubles the alcohol content. An imperial stout pairs well with a particularly intense existential meltdown that would even make Nietzsche proud. Likewise, an imperial IPA goes a long way in a riveting conversation with a stick of butter. $.99 CAN OF GAS STATION BEERSo what? Maybe no one wants to go see the new hit comedy of the summer with you. You don’t need other people to laugh with you. The only thing you need is cargo shorts and a few handfuls of change. Head over to the gas station across from the movie theater and load your shorts with a few $.99 beers. You don’t need friends to laugh. You can buy your friends and they are only $.99. Craft beer is amazing.
Sometime in February of 2016 there was this hipster named Joseph. He was kind of pretentious, but God was like really into him. First of all he wore around this coat that his Dad, Jacob, made him. He had 11 other brothers that were really jealous of him, because they like worked hard as like nurses and engineers. Wait that seems high. It’s 2016 after all. He probably just had 2 older brothers. No, no 11 is more dramatic. Let’s call it 11 older brothers. That would give anyone something to sing about.
Joseph worked with sheep at a petting zoo during the day, but he was trying to break into music. He would take his ukulele and coat to open mics at night and sing songs about the dreams he had. One time his brothers were there and they over heard him singing about how he had a dream about his brothers bowing down to him. They were pissed, but Joseph was like, “Step off! This is my art. It’s a creative interpretation of how I see life.” His brothers were big dicks and insecure bros, so they ganged up on Joseph 11 to 1 like shitty, shitty people. Who would beat up on their kid brother 11 to 1? What assholes! Anyway, the brothers beat up Joseph a little bit and broke his ukulele and then Joseph got sad. This happened a couple times because Joseph’s brother’s could never stop being insecure after beating up on their poor artist, younger brother. So after many times of getting beat up, Joseph ran away to the big city, Toledo. He got a job working at one of God’s Olive Gardens and God really was into him. Joseph was cool. Everyone wanted to be like him, even God. So God was like Joseph why don’t you start playing your ukulele songs here, at Olive Garden. So Joseph started playing ukulele each night night at the Olive Garden. There were people who would come just to see him play. Honestly it’s true; they didn’t even care about the free breadsticks. After a while, one of the cooks and one of the hosts heard Joseph playing and they wanted to start a band with him. They were like, “Hey Joseph we play music too. Do you want to come over to our garage and jam sometime?” (They didn’t live together, but like it just doesn’t matter which one said it.) Joseph was into the idea of playing with other musicians so he agreed. After the first practice, the cook wasn’t really feeling it so he stopped playing with both of them. (So it must have been the host’s house.) The Olive Garden Host - his name was Gary - and Joseph continued to write songs together, until one day an A&R rep from a major label heard Gary playing solo one night at a bar. The A&R rep was like, “You’re soooo good. Here’s a million dollars. Let’s make a record.” Gary was excited but he hadn’t forgotten about Joseph, so he was like, “Yeah that sounds great but I usually…” “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” interrupted the A&R rep. Gary kind of forgot about Joseph at that point and moved to LA to pursue a music career. Meanwhile Joseph was just back at the same old Olive Garden playing to customers every night. It was good, but he knew it could have been better, and where the heck was Gary? A couple years later Gary was working with this well know musician, Carlos Santana. Santana was stumped on some lyrics. Gary was trying to help him, but nothing was working. So he finally remembered that he left Joseph in Toledo for ONE MILLION DOLLARS and also remembered that Joseph is the best at writing poetic lyrics. So Gary called up Joseph and was like, “Hey get over here.” Joseph was nice, so he wasn’t like, “Hey Gary why did you leave me in Toledo?” He just agreed to come to LA. Once Joseph was in LA, he helped Santana write one of the best songs ever. Santana was so thrilled that Joseph figured out the right lyrics to his songs that he let Joseph tour as Santana when Santana didn’t feel like touring as Santana. The only way anyone knew the difference is that Joseph was wearing his hipster coat. One day when Joseph was on tour as Carlos Santana his brothers and dad came to the show. Joseph’s dad was a HUGE Santana fan. He would always say that Dance of the Rainbow Serpent got him through the death of his first wife. Once they were at the show, they recognized the coat Santana was wearing. Jacob, Joseph’s dad, was like, “Hey Santana is wearing the coat I made Joseph!” Then he squinted his eyes and realized, “Wait that is Joseph.” And his brothers were like no way, we thought made him cry to death. So after the show they went up to Santana, who was actually Joseph and were like hey, it’s you. Joseph was like, "Yeah, I went through a pretty terrible time when you bullied me and broke my ukulele. But I used that experience to better myself and now I moonlight as Carlos Santana. Anyway I forgive you guys, but one of you has to go to prison forever for abusing me." They agreed. So they drew straws and one of them went to prison forever. And that’s the story of Joseph’s coat. Freedom MuffinsFreedom Breakfast TeaFreedom BulldogDouble Freedom BusesFreedom PotterThe Freedom InvasionThe Freedom LanguageRevolutionary War Soldier Pump Up Jamz
I found an actually iPod Shuffle of a Revolutionary War soldier. These are the songs that got him in the zone to kill people.
Songs Donald Trump Can't Use to Accompany His Luxurious Firework Display
I'm sure there are a ton of musicians who don't want Donald Trump using their music, but these are the lucky ones that actually got to tell him no.
Firework by Katy Perry + Covers
I'm not sure why this song hasn't become the new national anthem.
Yesterday the Senate voted down a proposal to bar gun sales to terrorism suspects. Many Americans expressed disappointed with the decision, and rightfully so. I am one of them. There continues to be an inconsistency in how we approach terrorism in this country. I’m just an average dude, but I do have a pretty clear understanding on what the answer is. We need to repeal government restrictions on flying to be more consistent in the war on terror. 1. Create a New Constitutional AmendmentGuns were invented years ago. They were in the public conscious in 1791 when the Bill of Rights was ratified. This is not true for airplanes. Our founding fathers didn’t anticipate the need for each and every American citizen to have the right to fly. We need to create an amendment that protects our flying rights. By making it harder for terrorists to fly, we’ve made it very confusing for average law-abiding citizens. Whether there are laws or not, terrorist will always find a way to fly. There is no need to make flying a hassle for citizens that follow the law. 2. Allow Liquids of All Sizes Through Security Now that it’s my constitutional right to fly in an airplane, it is time to get rid of all these sanctions that make it so hard to fly. I don’t want to buy special 3.4 ounce contact solution just for an airplane ride. I want my normal LARGE bottle of contact solution. This is America, land of the big. If we can’t bring our Big Gulps through airport security then I don’t want to live here. 3. Let Law-Abiding U.S. Citizens Keep Their Shoes OnListen, if the classic American film ‘Home Alone’ starring Macaulay Culkin happened today, it would end with the McCallister’s waiting in line at a TSA checkpoint - never making their flight. End of movie. Is this the world we want to live in, where a classic American movie ends after 20 minutes? I don't think so. Let me keep my shoes on. It’s my goddamn American right to keep my foot fungus to myself. 4. Re-privatize the TSA There’s nothing less American than the federal government taking over jobs a private company can do. The TSA replaced hard working, American businesses in order to make it more difficult for law-abiding citizens, like myself, to fly. I don’t want The Government looking at my exposed body through an x-ray machine. But I would be more than happy if Joe, from Airport Security Solutions, took a peak. 5. Reopen Cockpits to the Public I remember as a kid being able to look inside the cockpit of an airplane and meet the pilots. After meeting the guys in charge of my life for the next few hours, I felt way more comfortable. Pilots are people too. But now that they sit behind a locked door, we only get to hear their muffled voices over a loudspeaker. It could be a robot for all I know! And a robot isn’t going to wish me Merry Christmas like a true American pilot. 6. Tear Up the No-Fly ListHow is it that someone can be on a no-fly list and still be able to purchase and own guns? It looks like a double standard to me. If a suspected terrorist can own a gun, he sure as hell can take a vacation. Repeal the no-fly list and help get a suspected terrorist on the next flight to Cabo.
So a few days after everything happened with Adam, Eve, and Jeremy (AKA the Devil!), this guy Noah was just hanging out in Cincinnati. Noah was pretty cool, but in just a few days since the creation of the earth, everyone else was acting like little bitches.
So God was like, “I’m going to destroy it. It’s not good. I thought was good, but then I got caught up messing around with my Olive Garden franchise, then things just kind of got out of hand.” God continued to be like, “everyone sucks, but Noah you seem cool. I’m going to destroy everything except for you and a bunch of animals. That way everyone else will die, but you and your new pets will live and repopulate the earth. High five.” Noah was an educated man, so he was talking to God and was like, “God, it’s 2016 you can’t just go killing everyone to make a better race. Hitler tried to do that. And it wasn’t very cool.” God was like, “That’s a good point. I don’t want to be like Hitler. Well, what should we do about all these dicks though?” God asked Noah. Noah was pretty cool; he had a beard. He could figure out what could be trendy to shut up all the haters. So Noah was like, “Why don’t we start an NBA basketball team in Cincinnati and you could give me really good basketball skills. And then that way after all the games, I can just be like God did it.” So they did that. They put together a dream squad of players and God gave them all basketball powers. Some of them could block well, some of them could pass and dribble, but Noah was the best. He had a great arc. Meaning he could shoot the ball very well. So after God and Noah signed up for the NBA, they started playing games and winning! After every game Noah would be like, “Yeah I gotta give up to God. He made me this way.” And some people were like, “Whatever, throw your religion on us.” But Noah was like, “For real! God gave me powers.” A lot of people were just like, “Sureee” and sarcastic about it. But Noah kept winning games with his team the Cincinnati Floods, in reference to earlier when God wanted to kill everyone. It was a long and tough season, even though God gave Noah basketball powers. There were still some off the court struggles faced by the players. I won’t go into detail here, but they won most of their games, but not all of them. Let’s be clear it was close. And now it’s the last game of the NBA final and it’s coming down to the last shot. Right now the game is tied against the Warriors, I think. And then all of a sudden Noah gets the ball and there is one second left and he has to shoot, but he’s at like half court. So he’s gives a quick shout out to God, and God is like, “I got your back Noah.” Then Noah puts it in the air from half court and it goes in! The Cincinnati Floods win the NBA!!! And that shot goes down in history as Noah’s Arc. More people were turned on to God at this point because he gives people powers, sometimes. A lot less people were mocking Noah talking about God after games, and when more athletes started doing it, the critics shut up about it. But yeah, that’s why it’s called Noah’s Arc. One of the hippest food trends as of late is crawfish. If it’s your first time, you will quickly realize that figuring out a way to eat crawfish is a messy and complicated process - like solving a Rubik's cube. To help, I’ve created this guide to show you the easiest and cleanest way to eat some craw dads! 1. Acquire alien technology that allows you the ability to transform into other animals.The first step in eating crawfish is to find a cube designed by a race of aliens called the Andalites. By touching this cube you will have the ability to turn into any animal you touch! Beware of an evil alien race called the Zeerks. They will not be happy when you have the ability to transform into animals. If they find out, they will do whatever they can to stop you from enjoying the salty taste of crawfish. 2. Find a common predator of crawfish like a great blue heron.Great blue heron are natural predators of crawfish. Not only will transforming into one make eating crawfish easier, but your natural instinct to consume crustacean will go through the roof! A good place to look is a swamp or a zoo. But I would avoid the zoo because there is a chance the zoo keeper is having his mind controlled by the Yeerks. 3. Touch it.Put your hand on the heron for a short amount of time. Once you feel like you've collected the ability to turn into this animal, you can let go. You now have the ability to transform in to a great blue heron! Be aware that other people have the ability to turn into animals. Some kids - called Animporphs - transform into animals to try and stop the Yeerks from enslaving the human race. That's great, but we are just trying to eat crawfish here! 4. Use your new ability to transform into a great blue heron.This takes great concentration, but just think of all the crawfish your about to eat. Make sure no one sees you because they could be having their brain controlled by the Yeerks. Don't be too alarmed, but your body is about to completely transform into a heron. There will be a lot of crunching noises and you will no longer have the ability to control when you poop. 5. Find a place to eat.I bet you are asking, "How am I supposed to find a place to eat? I'm a bird!" That's a good question. It's almost as if this step should have been sooner. With Yelp being out of the question, there's only one thing left to do: fly you dummy! Take a look from above and find the best crawfish joint in town. 6. Dig in!Normally if you were a human eating crawfish, you would have to tear open the exoskeleton, suck out the tail meat, break apart the claws, and slurp out the brains of each crawfish. This creates a huge mess. Now that you are a great blue heron all you have to do is swallow that crawfish whole in one gulp! No more mess! Transform back into a human.I know it would be great to stay a great blue heron and munch on crawfish a while longer, but if you don't transform back into a human after two hours you'd be a heron forever! The crazy stipulations of alien technology! So after you get your fill, pay the bill and resume your life as a human. A great blue heron eating at a restaurant is suspicious. So remember to wait until after you are out of sight of other humans - in case one of them is being controlled by a Yeerk. It might sound complicated and dangerous, but trust me this is the easiest way to eat crawfish!
1. Baby's Gone Shopping (Denial)
"She should be here with me." - Jimmy Buffett
2. The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful (Anger)
"I wish you were beautiful." - Jimmy Buffett
3. Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season (Bargaining)
" I made up this song." - Jimmy Buffett
4. Stranded On a Sandbar (Depression)
"I feel like I'm stranded on a sandbar." -Jimmy Buffett
5. Why Don't We Get Drunk (Acceptance)
"I just bought a waterbed." -Jimmy Buffett
Check out the whole playlist below with two bonus tracks! Enjoy.
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