Craft beer is a booming business in the U.S. and all over the world right now. It may be overwhelming to decide what is best for you. Here are a few tips to help guide you through the world of craft beer. IPAIPAs are a hoppy and bitter beer perfect for those Friday evenings spent sitting alone at a restaurant because your Tinder date stood you up at the last minute. Putting back a couple of IPAs will help numb the embarrassment of eating dinner alone and might even give you the courage to talk to someone new. Or at least to engage in a nice conversation with your chicken francese. STOUTRoasted malts are what make stouts such a unique dark-style of beer. Stouts are the beer you can trust to catch a glimpse of your soul in the reflection of the dark liquid in your glass as you sit home alone on a Friday night. Stouts stand alone as a beer that reminds us everything is temporary and one day we all die to experience the infinite comfort of darkness. SAISONSaisons are a refreshing summer beer that are perfect for pounding while out at the club dancing the night away. As you shimmy through the room looking for your friends you see your Tinder date who stood you up, dancing with another person. Saisons will be there for you when you realize: “Dancing on My Own by Robyn isn’t just a lone dancer’s anthem; it’s my life right now.” Why is this beer so easy to drink? It’s a Saison. Why is everything strangely fine? You’ve had nine. IMPERIALImperial beers are great because they take the beer you’re most fond of and pretty much doubles the alcohol content. An imperial stout pairs well with a particularly intense existential meltdown that would even make Nietzsche proud. Likewise, an imperial IPA goes a long way in a riveting conversation with a stick of butter. $.99 CAN OF GAS STATION BEERSo what? Maybe no one wants to go see the new hit comedy of the summer with you. You don’t need other people to laugh with you. The only thing you need is cargo shorts and a few handfuls of change. Head over to the gas station across from the movie theater and load your shorts with a few $.99 beers. You don’t need friends to laugh. You can buy your friends and they are only $.99. Craft beer is amazing.
Sometime in February of 2016 there was this hipster named Joseph. He was kind of pretentious, but God was like really into him. First of all he wore around this coat that his Dad, Jacob, made him. He had 11 other brothers that were really jealous of him, because they like worked hard as like nurses and engineers. Wait that seems high. It’s 2016 after all. He probably just had 2 older brothers. No, no 11 is more dramatic. Let’s call it 11 older brothers. That would give anyone something to sing about.
Joseph worked with sheep at a petting zoo during the day, but he was trying to break into music. He would take his ukulele and coat to open mics at night and sing songs about the dreams he had. One time his brothers were there and they over heard him singing about how he had a dream about his brothers bowing down to him. They were pissed, but Joseph was like, “Step off! This is my art. It’s a creative interpretation of how I see life.” His brothers were big dicks and insecure bros, so they ganged up on Joseph 11 to 1 like shitty, shitty people. Who would beat up on their kid brother 11 to 1? What assholes! Anyway, the brothers beat up Joseph a little bit and broke his ukulele and then Joseph got sad. This happened a couple times because Joseph’s brother’s could never stop being insecure after beating up on their poor artist, younger brother. So after many times of getting beat up, Joseph ran away to the big city, Toledo. He got a job working at one of God’s Olive Gardens and God really was into him. Joseph was cool. Everyone wanted to be like him, even God. So God was like Joseph why don’t you start playing your ukulele songs here, at Olive Garden. So Joseph started playing ukulele each night night at the Olive Garden. There were people who would come just to see him play. Honestly it’s true; they didn’t even care about the free breadsticks. After a while, one of the cooks and one of the hosts heard Joseph playing and they wanted to start a band with him. They were like, “Hey Joseph we play music too. Do you want to come over to our garage and jam sometime?” (They didn’t live together, but like it just doesn’t matter which one said it.) Joseph was into the idea of playing with other musicians so he agreed. After the first practice, the cook wasn’t really feeling it so he stopped playing with both of them. (So it must have been the host’s house.) The Olive Garden Host - his name was Gary - and Joseph continued to write songs together, until one day an A&R rep from a major label heard Gary playing solo one night at a bar. The A&R rep was like, “You’re soooo good. Here’s a million dollars. Let’s make a record.” Gary was excited but he hadn’t forgotten about Joseph, so he was like, “Yeah that sounds great but I usually…” “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” interrupted the A&R rep. Gary kind of forgot about Joseph at that point and moved to LA to pursue a music career. Meanwhile Joseph was just back at the same old Olive Garden playing to customers every night. It was good, but he knew it could have been better, and where the heck was Gary? A couple years later Gary was working with this well know musician, Carlos Santana. Santana was stumped on some lyrics. Gary was trying to help him, but nothing was working. So he finally remembered that he left Joseph in Toledo for ONE MILLION DOLLARS and also remembered that Joseph is the best at writing poetic lyrics. So Gary called up Joseph and was like, “Hey get over here.” Joseph was nice, so he wasn’t like, “Hey Gary why did you leave me in Toledo?” He just agreed to come to LA. Once Joseph was in LA, he helped Santana write one of the best songs ever. Santana was so thrilled that Joseph figured out the right lyrics to his songs that he let Joseph tour as Santana when Santana didn’t feel like touring as Santana. The only way anyone knew the difference is that Joseph was wearing his hipster coat. One day when Joseph was on tour as Carlos Santana his brothers and dad came to the show. Joseph’s dad was a HUGE Santana fan. He would always say that Dance of the Rainbow Serpent got him through the death of his first wife. Once they were at the show, they recognized the coat Santana was wearing. Jacob, Joseph’s dad, was like, “Hey Santana is wearing the coat I made Joseph!” Then he squinted his eyes and realized, “Wait that is Joseph.” And his brothers were like no way, we thought made him cry to death. So after the show they went up to Santana, who was actually Joseph and were like hey, it’s you. Joseph was like, "Yeah, I went through a pretty terrible time when you bullied me and broke my ukulele. But I used that experience to better myself and now I moonlight as Carlos Santana. Anyway I forgive you guys, but one of you has to go to prison forever for abusing me." They agreed. So they drew straws and one of them went to prison forever. And that’s the story of Joseph’s coat. Freedom MuffinsFreedom Breakfast TeaFreedom BulldogDouble Freedom BusesFreedom PotterThe Freedom InvasionThe Freedom Language |