Sometime in February of 2016 there was this hipster named Joseph. He was kind of pretentious, but God was like really into him. First of all he wore around this coat that his Dad, Jacob, made him. He had 11 other brothers that were really jealous of him, because they like worked hard as like nurses and engineers. Wait that seems high. It’s 2016 after all. He probably just had 2 older brothers. No, no 11 is more dramatic. Let’s call it 11 older brothers. That would give anyone something to sing about.
Joseph worked with sheep at a petting zoo during the day, but he was trying to break into music. He would take his ukulele and coat to open mics at night and sing songs about the dreams he had. One time his brothers were there and they over heard him singing about how he had a dream about his brothers bowing down to him. They were pissed, but Joseph was like, “Step off! This is my art. It’s a creative interpretation of how I see life.” His brothers were big dicks and insecure bros, so they ganged up on Joseph 11 to 1 like shitty, shitty people. Who would beat up on their kid brother 11 to 1? What assholes! Anyway, the brothers beat up Joseph a little bit and broke his ukulele and then Joseph got sad. This happened a couple times because Joseph’s brother’s could never stop being insecure after beating up on their poor artist, younger brother. So after many times of getting beat up, Joseph ran away to the big city, Toledo. He got a job working at one of God’s Olive Gardens and God really was into him. Joseph was cool. Everyone wanted to be like him, even God. So God was like Joseph why don’t you start playing your ukulele songs here, at Olive Garden. So Joseph started playing ukulele each night night at the Olive Garden. There were people who would come just to see him play. Honestly it’s true; they didn’t even care about the free breadsticks. After a while, one of the cooks and one of the hosts heard Joseph playing and they wanted to start a band with him. They were like, “Hey Joseph we play music too. Do you want to come over to our garage and jam sometime?” (They didn’t live together, but like it just doesn’t matter which one said it.) Joseph was into the idea of playing with other musicians so he agreed. After the first practice, the cook wasn’t really feeling it so he stopped playing with both of them. (So it must have been the host’s house.) The Olive Garden Host - his name was Gary - and Joseph continued to write songs together, until one day an A&R rep from a major label heard Gary playing solo one night at a bar. The A&R rep was like, “You’re soooo good. Here’s a million dollars. Let’s make a record.” Gary was excited but he hadn’t forgotten about Joseph, so he was like, “Yeah that sounds great but I usually…” “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” interrupted the A&R rep. Gary kind of forgot about Joseph at that point and moved to LA to pursue a music career. Meanwhile Joseph was just back at the same old Olive Garden playing to customers every night. It was good, but he knew it could have been better, and where the heck was Gary? A couple years later Gary was working with this well know musician, Carlos Santana. Santana was stumped on some lyrics. Gary was trying to help him, but nothing was working. So he finally remembered that he left Joseph in Toledo for ONE MILLION DOLLARS and also remembered that Joseph is the best at writing poetic lyrics. So Gary called up Joseph and was like, “Hey get over here.” Joseph was nice, so he wasn’t like, “Hey Gary why did you leave me in Toledo?” He just agreed to come to LA. Once Joseph was in LA, he helped Santana write one of the best songs ever. Santana was so thrilled that Joseph figured out the right lyrics to his songs that he let Joseph tour as Santana when Santana didn’t feel like touring as Santana. The only way anyone knew the difference is that Joseph was wearing his hipster coat. One day when Joseph was on tour as Carlos Santana his brothers and dad came to the show. Joseph’s dad was a HUGE Santana fan. He would always say that Dance of the Rainbow Serpent got him through the death of his first wife. Once they were at the show, they recognized the coat Santana was wearing. Jacob, Joseph’s dad, was like, “Hey Santana is wearing the coat I made Joseph!” Then he squinted his eyes and realized, “Wait that is Joseph.” And his brothers were like no way, we thought made him cry to death. So after the show they went up to Santana, who was actually Joseph and were like hey, it’s you. Joseph was like, "Yeah, I went through a pretty terrible time when you bullied me and broke my ukulele. But I used that experience to better myself and now I moonlight as Carlos Santana. Anyway I forgive you guys, but one of you has to go to prison forever for abusing me." They agreed. So they drew straws and one of them went to prison forever. And that’s the story of Joseph’s coat.
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So a few days after everything happened with Adam, Eve, and Jeremy (AKA the Devil!), this guy Noah was just hanging out in Cincinnati. Noah was pretty cool, but in just a few days since the creation of the earth, everyone else was acting like little bitches.
So God was like, “I’m going to destroy it. It’s not good. I thought was good, but then I got caught up messing around with my Olive Garden franchise, then things just kind of got out of hand.” God continued to be like, “everyone sucks, but Noah you seem cool. I’m going to destroy everything except for you and a bunch of animals. That way everyone else will die, but you and your new pets will live and repopulate the earth. High five.” Noah was an educated man, so he was talking to God and was like, “God, it’s 2016 you can’t just go killing everyone to make a better race. Hitler tried to do that. And it wasn’t very cool.” God was like, “That’s a good point. I don’t want to be like Hitler. Well, what should we do about all these dicks though?” God asked Noah. Noah was pretty cool; he had a beard. He could figure out what could be trendy to shut up all the haters. So Noah was like, “Why don’t we start an NBA basketball team in Cincinnati and you could give me really good basketball skills. And then that way after all the games, I can just be like God did it.” So they did that. They put together a dream squad of players and God gave them all basketball powers. Some of them could block well, some of them could pass and dribble, but Noah was the best. He had a great arc. Meaning he could shoot the ball very well. So after God and Noah signed up for the NBA, they started playing games and winning! After every game Noah would be like, “Yeah I gotta give up to God. He made me this way.” And some people were like, “Whatever, throw your religion on us.” But Noah was like, “For real! God gave me powers.” A lot of people were just like, “Sureee” and sarcastic about it. But Noah kept winning games with his team the Cincinnati Floods, in reference to earlier when God wanted to kill everyone. It was a long and tough season, even though God gave Noah basketball powers. There were still some off the court struggles faced by the players. I won’t go into detail here, but they won most of their games, but not all of them. Let’s be clear it was close. And now it’s the last game of the NBA final and it’s coming down to the last shot. Right now the game is tied against the Warriors, I think. And then all of a sudden Noah gets the ball and there is one second left and he has to shoot, but he’s at like half court. So he’s gives a quick shout out to God, and God is like, “I got your back Noah.” Then Noah puts it in the air from half court and it goes in! The Cincinnati Floods win the NBA!!! And that shot goes down in history as Noah’s Arc. More people were turned on to God at this point because he gives people powers, sometimes. A lot less people were mocking Noah talking about God after games, and when more athletes started doing it, the critics shut up about it. But yeah, that’s why it’s called Noah’s Arc.
To read with audio, click play below!
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. It was dark on the Earth so God created light and separated it from darkness. Night and day. January 1, 2016. In the first few days, God created a lot of things. He was a busy guy, or girl. It’s 2016, after all. He created the world. Plants, animals, vegetation, the Washington Monument, The Eiffel Tower, The Pyramids, some volcanoes, and Tiny Desk Concerts. There was still a lot to be done though; God still needed to invent electricity and the internet. That was on like day 5 or so. Then on day 6 God invented history books to make up all the things that had happened before 2016.
After he did that, God created Adam and Eve and he set them up in an Olive Garden. He told them not to eat the fruit. It’s fake! He specifically said it was fake. But they we’re tricked by their waiter Jeremy. It turns out that Jeremy was only this guy’s middle name and in reality his first name was The DEVIL!!! So Adam and Eve tried to eat the fruit, but it was fake so they couldn’t digest it all the way. Gross. Jeremy called his manager, who happened to also be God and said they are stealing our fake fruit! God said, “I told you not to eat the fruit! It’s fake! You are stealers! Get out of here.” Adam and Eve were like, but he told us to, and they pointed to Jeremy. God said, “Jeremy is this true?” And Jeremy went, “It’s true and my first name isn’t Jeremy, it’s the DEVILL!!!” “Of course your name is the Devil; you wrote it on your application. Anyway, you’re kicked out too!” declared God. So Adam, Eve, and Jeremy (actually The DEVIL!!!) got kicked out of the olive garden. God was bummed this happened because he got so wrapped up in his restaurant business that he forgot to finish creating the world! There wasn’t a lot left to do, just small details like invent Facebook and other people. So since he’s God, he froze time for a second and finished making that stuff. So when Adam and Eve walked out of Olive Garden they had friends. The TV show. Jeremy ran away, because he’s the DEVIL!!! and Adam and Eve were kind of pissed at him, because they got kicked out before they could eat dinner. So now they had to eat at Spaghetti Warehouse, an inferior Italian chain restaurant. After Adam and Eve ate dinner, they had to get jobs because they sinned against God. And that’s how the earth was made. |